Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

NEXT BREATH November 12, 2011

When I think there are no more tears; I find them.

I’m in a pit of despair and I cannot find reason to crawl out.

I wish there was no air to breath.

I feel the heavy weight of grief upon on my chest-pressing down on me.  It’s nearly impossible for me to inhale.

I want sleep to come-to somehow escape the pain.

But sleep evades me.

My arms scream for a baby I cannot hold!

My womb is as empty as my heart.

I don’t know how to endure.

I don’t know how to take the next breath…

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5 Responses to “NEXT BREATH”

  1. Any artist’s studio will feature the medium in which he labors to produce his workmanship. We are God’s workmanship the medium of his workmanship fire trials which forms within us the spirit of Christ. Without enduring this medium we are what Hebrews calls bastards. I had a author rebuke me for using this word on his blog, objecting that it was too verbally charged. To use euphemisms to sublimate the ugliness of what we are outside of God’s workmanship perfecting us is like saying: don’t blow that trumpet of alarm too loudly; the saxophone is more pleasant to the ear. Trials is a process of bonding the wore of God to our spirit.

    Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers us from them all. Once the fire works it purposse God delivers us from it. No weapon fashions against us can prosper. It is not punitive but purifying.

  2. Lilly Says:

    For people who have never experienced the pain of miscarriage pain is easily brushed off. Miscarriage is a terrible heartache. I am truly sorry and wish you never had to experience this feeling. I had a miscarriage and my life left my body the moment I knew something was wrong with my pregnancy…just hard to describe. Your pain is real. I commend you for penning your emotions.

    • It’s true-I’m ashamed to say I didn’t understand the depth of this pain until I experienced it. I have fresh understanding for what women dealing with any kind of fertility issue or pregnancy loss must feel. This journey has tried me to my soul. I’m sure I will have perspective of this trial and pain at one point, and even see the refinement through it. Until then, I hope that my sharing can somehow touch others and point them to the only Peace I’ve known in Him. Thank you for writing, Lilly. I pray you feel His arms around you and one day, we’ll be reunited with our precious babies!

  3. Even worst than the pain itself is the inability realize that pain is a process not an end in itself an so never appreciate the benefit of the experience it ought to have wrought. To invalidate this process by holding that because one pain is more significant than another pain, therefore that pain doesn’t matter, ill-serves the whole undertaking of this process by which God moves us up to a higher spiritual plane.

    I could detail the horror of my pain in shuffling step after step through dark winter nights out in the bitter cold as the only comfort to distract, aleviate and offset the acid pain in my mind as a result of injustices that I suffer and can never expect to find any relief in this life but where I through the light of the word differ all this suffering to the work that it is accomplishing in me. Short of giving God the glory, we risk making our pain an idol, more important than the exhortation of God’s word.

    God rhetorically asks: what is the chaff to the kernel; the husk in comparison the wheat?… what is the body to the perfecting of the spirit? I wound and I heal, I kill and make alive. I deliver the righteous from all his afflictions wherewith he is afflicted. For the joy that was set before him Jesus despised (burshed off) his sufferings in order to embrace you and I coming into him, this Joy that was set before him. If we can’t see the Joy that is set before us as we grow up into him in all things through suffering these things; it’s will be doubly hard to endure any suffering. I walked into my pain from the time I was 30 and shall bring it to my grave, but I have chosen to call it my personal furnace that perfect me in the spirit.

    Everyone have pain, everyone has a cross, but Jesus is worth ever minute of it. If we choose to see our pains as meaningless then I really can’t imagine the sufferings one has to then endure.


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