I am continually touched by my children’s hearts through this grieving process. They are raw and real as they speak of their little brother. They grieve as much as we do. They wanted another brother or sister so much! They were SO excited for him to come! They cry often. They pray for another baby.
It’s very difficult to put into words the depth of the pain that is in my heart. My heart is completely broken. The circles, the ebbs and flows, the intensity, the numbness…
Some days I’m SO angry at God. WHY did He allow this?? The anguished cry of my heart repeats…what did I do wrong? The beautiful part of having such a loving Savior is that I can have my moments of anger and he covers it. I can question Him, and He allows me to. Some things coming out of the grief of my soul may offend others, but He is not offended. He is still there, waiting for me.
Other days, I am at rest (purposefully, not naturally) in knowing simply this: He is GOD. He created me. He created Andrew. Who am I to tell Him what to do or question Him? Even if His reason does not seem right to me-who am I? In His Almighty wisdom and power He can do what He likes.
Before the mountains were brought forth, or you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. (Psalms 90:2)
So that’s where I am today.
Trusting and resting in His understanding because, honestly, I have none…