Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

IMPLODING November 22, 2011

I am strong enough now to put on a face around others.  And I’m even brave enough to venture leaving the house now.  Sometimes I wonder if they think I am okay now.  It feels as if the inside of me is a big black hole.  As if all of me is continually being sucked into this dark place.  My very heart is imploding.  There is heaviness.  Sadness.  Guilt.  Sorrow.  Despair.  Aching and longing.  Emptiness.  I feel so sad inside that when I’m left alone for a moment and without a task I feel as if I could fade away.

Sometimes it brings perspective to hear of the pain others go through.  That other parents have carried far larger burdens than ours and somehow survived.  Today I heard of a friend whose three-year old has cancer.  They are enduring surgeries and chemotherapy.  I shutter to imagine what they must be going through.  Or the other stories we’ve heard of parents who have lost their children.  How do they find the strength to endure?

But it doesn’t lessen our pain. And that’s alright, too.  But, somehow, they made it through.  They found a way to get out of bed.  They found strength to forgive. So there is hope that I will too.

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2 Responses to “IMPLODING”

  1. charleecat Says:

    The void, I am sure, will never go away until that beautiful and wonderful day that you get to hold Andrew again… perfect. But I am equally sure that with every day as you allow God to touch those most painful parts and you are healed (and you will be!) that the void will become more of a vacancy that holds that special spot waiting to be filled, instead of the wrenching pain of a hole that was torn away.

    That strength you speak of to get out of bed and move through your day is only His strength. Whether you sense Him there or not, you can lean deeply into Him and He will not let you fall!

  2. charleecat Says:

    I know you’re still hurting…

    I’m proud of you for still loving your family and being there for them not just in empty action, but in every fiber of your being. It’s not lost… it’s just numbed.


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