I am strong enough now to put on a face around others. And I’m even brave enough to venture leaving the house now. Sometimes I wonder if they think I am okay now. It feels as if the inside of me is a big black hole. As if all of me is continually being sucked into this dark place. My very heart is imploding. There is heaviness. Sadness. Guilt. Sorrow. Despair. Aching and longing. Emptiness. I feel so sad inside that when I’m left alone for a moment and without a task I feel as if I could fade away.
Sometimes it brings perspective to hear of the pain others go through. That other parents have carried far larger burdens than ours and somehow survived. Today I heard of a friend whose three-year old has cancer. They are enduring surgeries and chemotherapy. I shutter to imagine what they must be going through. Or the other stories we’ve heard of parents who have lost their children. How do they find the strength to endure?
But it doesn’t lessen our pain. And that’s alright, too. But, somehow, they made it through. They found a way to get out of bed. They found strength to forgive. So there is hope that I will too.