Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

green with envy… December 3, 2011

Last night I dreamed of a memorial service for our son and my husband and I left early and couldn’t speak.  There were no words.  We did not have a service.  At least not a public one.  My health was too bad (I couldn’t get out of bed for a week and a half) and to be honest, we just wanted to grieve privately.  We were just so raw and vulnerable and hurting.  I couldn’t even talk really for days.  There were no words to echo what I felt.  The words attempting to describe my heart came later.  And still they do not come close to revealing the depths of my sufferings.  I thought we might regret not having a service, but we don’t.  I think next year, on his birthday, I may be able to handle that. 

Facebook is a painful place lately…

I can count about five of my friends off-hand that were all due a few weeks after me and lately FB has been filled with ultrasound pictures and gender announcements.  It’s not that I am not happy for them, it’s just so hard to handle right now when we lost our little boy.  It feels so unfair.  It’s turning me into a jealous green monster!  It’s truly hard to describe the pain in my heart.  I know in my head it’s not right to feel this or even be jealous.  I would not want them to suffer what I went through and deep within me I am happy for their blessings.  It’s just the contrast is bringing out my deep loss…

So FB will not be seeing me for a long while….

As hard as this has been, I cannot imagine how I will feel when our baby’s due date passes and everyone else’s babies are being born…

I suppose that’s another battle for another day.


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5 Responses to “green with envy…”

  1. charleecat Says:

    I can completely understand. No need to inundate yourself with heartache. 😦

  2. I felt the same about FB. I did stay away for a bit but then because I wasn’t going out it was some social contact. I cut the news feeds from those expecting, new mothers or people who post every time their child sneezes. I found some support groups and education groups. When I opened my FB I had a news feed full of posts from supportive, understanding sources. Eventually I turned news feeds from friends back on. The support groups are still good because it breaks up all the other stuff. But a break from FB is always a good thing. Take care of you 🙂

    • melz1207 Says:

      How do you cut the news feed from those expecting? I only have family and like two or three friends on facebook, but one friend is always posting pics of her daughter (pregnant the same time I was) – which is TOTALLY understandable because I would do the same thing, but I just don’t want to see her daughter. Any way to not see those? And, what support groups?

  3. melz1207 Says:

    I know exactly how you feel!!! I had a sister-in-law and a sorta friend who were both pregnant when I was pregnant. One was due about two months before me, and one was due 3 weeks before me. Then I lost mine. I couldn’t see either one of them, let alone their babies. I have never willingly looked at either of their babies still. I just associate their babies with my lost baby. And, like you said, I am happy for them and glad they got to keep their babies! But, I still don’t want to see their babies 😦 . I also try to stay off of facebook. It’s a really hard place to be!! When our “due date” arrived in June, we went camping and fishing. Something we enjoy doing. Just the two of us. We were both so emotionally exhausted, but it was still nice to just get away for that weekend. I am not looking forward to her “first birthday” in February. I think I might want to celebrate a little, but it will be SO hard!! I miss her so desperately!

    • Lilly Says:

      I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. I think you are honoring your loss by staying away from FB for right now, and when you are ready to come back to it you can and will. I’ll never forget how big of a jealousy green monster I turned into when I think about a little girl named Brianna who lived next door to me walked up to me in front of my house and then asked all innocently, “how many children live here.” I said, “none.” cried and slammed my door. I felt like how could pain be so intolerable. I didn’t want to be one of those people I saw who I thought to be childless. All I wanted was the joy and blessing of just one baby…a baby who’d be born into this world for me to hold and nurture through his life. Still today the pain over my little girl’s loss, her name was Hana, tears me up inside. I was such in a dark spot 7 years ago. I am so glad we have a Father in heaven who loves us in spite of me questioning Him for why I had to lose Hana. She will always be my long-lasting flower. I will continue to choose to remember her the rest of my days.


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