Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

expectations December 22, 2011

I don’t expect much from others.  At least, I don’t think I do.  

I believe my expectations are minimal and reasonable at that.  

I don’t expect them to know what to say.  And I do not get angry when they don’t.

I understand they may feel awkward with the subject, especially if I allow a tear to fall.  

I don’t expect them to say the right thing.  And I do not get offended when they do not.  

I don’t expect others to say or do anything to fix it.

I expect people to understand that even though I have other children, it still hurts just as much to lose one. 

I don’t really even expect anyone to have to listen to me talk or cry.  I haven’t expected or relied on anyone to be there for me.  I feel blessed to have a husband who has been so wonderful through this.  I’m genuinely touched by those who have had the courage to reach out.  I am especially thankful those dear friends who still seek out my company and don’t expect anything from me.  If I cry, that’s alright.  If I act normal, that’s alright.  

I don’t expect any “help” to get over this.  One thing I’ve learned is that there is nothing anyone can do to repair what happened or the way I feel.  

I, however, do have certain expectations for myself.  I expect myself to get out of bed everyday and take care of my family even when its difficult.  I expect myself to have a roller coaster of emotions, but to still have a center-a grounding, if you will-in Him that brings me back.  I expect that even though I get angry, its my responsibility to not allow the anger to overtake me, or the bitterness to set in.  I expect myself to count my blessings, and focus on what I do have and not dwell on what I’ve lost.  I expect myself to still try to be the best mother and wife I can be.

But is it too much to ask that a family member not call you crying and expecting empathy because even though they were “done” they are pregnant again???  Didn’t it even cross her mind how thoughtless and insensitive to complain to me might be right now?  And on top of it, get irritated with you though you’ve graciously listened and encouraged, when you point out that the morning sickness will only last a few weeks?

Or, even though you haven’t once called anyone when you were upset,  that maybe when you are angry and having a bad day that they be there for you-especially your own mother? 

Or, when you DO call another family member to cry that they would just listen to you instead of being offended at your hurt or anger?  And maybe not be so uncomfortable with the hurt that they begin talking about unrelated things to the point you do not even get in a word?

My days are filled serving others (gratefully-I’m SO thankful for my family) but sometimes, to just be able to rest…

or have a thought to myself…

Or cry without the children watching you, concerned…

Or be angry for one morning…

Or be able to sit down and do nothing because you are so sad that its difficult to do anything?

Maybe this is why I am filled with anxiety.  

Because I need to be able to release some of this hurt but it’s difficult to find an outlet?  

Are my expectations really too high?


3 Responses to “expectations”

  1. I have always considered myself lucky that I have had time off and to myself and have been able to feel my grief, be that happy, sad, weepy, angry, and any other emotion that can come along. It is so hard when these emotions are still so raw and you have to keep them under control, it takes and enormous amount of energy. I don’t think your expectations are too high at all.

  2. Lilly Says:

    I was talking with someone about how I cry and am not exactly “well” all the time in front of my son, and, in my doing that, my son is learning that even though Mommy feels bad, sad, or whatever else I experience I can move in and through those feelings and not get stuck. You take care of yourself the way you need. Grieve for the life you have lost.

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