Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

aftermath December 29, 2011

I am sitting here in the aftermath of Christmas.  

The children playing happily with new toys, the tiredness of all the work involved with the holiday catching up to me, and the laundry and mess that’s piled up in the meantime.  

Cup of coffee in hand, I’m pondering the last few days.  Honestly, as the Christmas Season rolled around, I felt anything but the spirit of Christmas.  I wouldn’t have even decorated the house or celebrated much if it hadn’t been for the children.  So, my husband and I pushed past our apathy and decorated, put up lights, and made ourselves participate in the goings on of the holidays.  It seemed now more than ever that I needed to rely on our traditions because I didn’t have the enthusiasm to make it through.

Maybe it was because I had no expectations, maybe because we stayed home away without the pressure of extended families, or maybe because we had much to be thankful for-but it turned out to be the best Christmas we ever had. It was peacefully, happy, the real meaning of Christmas was deep within our hearts.  It wasn’t about the rush and the gifts and the commercialization of the holiday.  Awareness of our blessings, taking stock of the precious moments we had, and just a general sense of surrender to Him and resting in the Peace and deep meaning of Christmas.  Our friends gave us a wonderful break and took our kids for the day before Christmas Eve.  We shopped and wrapped presents and spent time talking-really talking.  I spent two whole days cooking up the biggest Christmas dinner!

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day we filled with meaningful family traditions.  Our hearts were so knit together as a family.  The children had so much fun opening their gifts and playing together.  It was a beautiful family Christmas-the one I always wanted (minus the snow).  And to top it all off-my Christmas present to the family-we are unexpectedly expecting! 🙂

I purposed to have no time frame in my head on when to get pregnant again.  I couldn’t do that to my heart.  I didn’t know if we could get pregnant right away.  I didn’t know what God had in store for us after losing Andrew.  But this has given us some hope and restoration.  And as we’ve learned-nothing is for certain and nothing is guaranteed.  We are praying for this baby-that it will be strong and healthy and go full term.  

As I sit here reflecting, the tears overflow.  Tears of  happiness and filled with hope because we have a new life to look forward to and yet mixed with sadness because my heart still aches for the precious boy we lost.  But I am thankful for the moment I’m in.  

And my heart is full.   

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4 Responses to “aftermath”

  1. ooh yay! I’m so happy for you (and a little jealous). haha I have a huge smile on my face 🙂 congrats to you and hubby xo

  2. Lilly Says:

    Congratulations!


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