Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

recovering February 1, 2012

Last week, we found out our little “peanut” (as we affectionately named it) had no heartbeat.  

Another devastating blow.  To be given fresh hope and healing only to have it so quickly stolen again.

I was still terribly sick everyday, even after our sweet baby had no heartbeat.  Talk about extra depressing.  To be throwing up all day everyday for no reason whatsoever.  Yesterday, I had surgery.  

Today, I am recovering.  

This has been such a horrible year.   Sigh.  Part of me feels like I can’t go on.  Another part of me wills me to look ahead to healing and to see what God has in store for us.  I will focus on good things.  Playing and enjoying my children.  Restoring my health.  Loving on my husband.  This past year has revolved so much around me, it will be refreshing to focus on my family and friends instead.  

Something good has to come out of this.  

It’s strange, on one hand I have never felt so alone.  It feels as if no one can possibly understand this pain.  The kind of pain that hurts so much, you physically can’t breathe.  Your heart literally skips beats.  To feel completely rejected by God.  To feel isolated from family.

And yet, I have felt more loved on this past year than ever before.  Close friends became closer.  My husband and I went through awful things and drew together instead of apart.  I saw the best in him and he took such good care of me.  

I treasure my relationships.  

Especially those who have been there for me to cry with, or just vent.  

And the ones who have loved on my children and watched them when I was recovering.  

The many, many meals that were so sacrificially brought.  

Those who came to be by my side when I needed them.  

Those who pulled me in as part of their family.  

The ones who just let me be…me.  In grief.  In pain.  Without judgement.

We haven’t even made it to our sweet Andrew’s due date, and we’ve already lost two babies.

I will recover.  Both physically and emotionally.  

But the grief will never end.  The tears will still flow.  My heart and arms will ache with emptiness.  And I will never be the same. 


5 Responses to “recovering”

  1. melz1207 Says:

    I’m so sorry!! It’s okay to just sit and cry.

  2. hmstrait Says:

    Oh how Im sooo sorry, I have been following your posts and praying for you and this is awful.

  3. charleecat Says:

    My sweet, sweet Friend. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and pray for you. The pain you are dealing with is so raw….

    And yet, the Father of Life has chosen to gift you with two precious babies that for some reason had a destiny that didn’t include being held by your arms. Instead, they were held in the closest, most protective place you could possibly give them before surrendering them to the perfect arms of God. As my Micah-bear said, they have each other to play with in Heaven. sigh… cry… smile… cry some more… There is no understanding it. Don’t try.

    Yet, somehow… I have hope for you this year as well. You say you will never be the same, and it’s true. I know that what God has entrusted you with has changed your heart forever and you will be able to minister to your family and others in ways you never thought possible.

    You are precious. You are beloved. You are living in “God’s Promise”. I believe that your very name, and the significance of your birthday happening so close to the same time as this loss is God wanting to remind you, that He has not forgotten you, forsaken you, or rejected you. You are chosen, called out, and cherished. That is God’s Promise.

  4. Lyndell Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your peanut, my heart aches to think about how you are feeling, it is just not fair.

  5. Lilly Says:

    Am so hurt inside knowing you’re experiencing this pain over another loss. I was truly hoping for a healthy baby in your arms this time. I wish I could take away the pain you feel but that is impossible. I am so sorry.

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