Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

Happy Birthday, Baby! October 15, 2012

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Yesterday was our sweet baby Andrew Zane’s birthday. 

We lost him one year ago. When I woke up one year ago yesterday, I had no idea that my entire world would be turned upside down and forever changed.  A year ago today, I was lying in the hospital receiving blood transfusions because I had lost so much blood and was so weak, I could not even raise my own arm or sit up in bed.  The nurses were telling me they had never seen anyone when I crashed with such low blood pressure still alive.  I remember lying in the sterile-smelling room, hearing newborn babies crying down the hall, a constant stream of tears running down my face, unable to even respond.   

I didn’t just mourn yesterday.  I’ve mourned heavily this entire month.  I allowed myself to slow down and not fight the grief.  All of it flowed freely-the anger, the sadness, the longing and aching.  I’ve just allowed myself to weep openly.  And the tears seemed as if they would never cease.  But it was healing. 

And when his birthday finally came, we made cupcakes-brown and blue sprinkles on top.  And the children enjoyed having a little birthday party for their brother.  My more sensitive one shed some tears with me, but mostly the whole thing was approached lightly. 

 

And we remembered you, Andrew.  We talked about how we used to talk about you and the silly little songs we made up for you when you were in my tummy.  We looked at your pictures.  Your perfect little hands clasped together by your face.  How sweet you looked!  We thought of how it would be if you were here.  How you would be crawling and sitting and laughing.  And we pictured you where you are now-never knowing pain or sadness.  And we sent our love to you.  Though my heart aches with sadness that is too deep to describe, I have hope in this-that someday I will hold you again, sweet baby. 

All my love,

Mommy

 

The Burden of Grief October 11, 2012

For those of you, like me, who are burdened by the heaviness of grief…and rest for your soul is hard to find in the tears and sadness, the anger and questions not answered…

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:28-30

 

CALVIN’S HATS October 7, 2012

When we lost our little boy, Calvin’s Hats quickly sent a baby blue knitted hat that fit his gestation age perfectly.  We cherish that hat more than we can say.  Here is the website:  http://www.calvinshats.com/default.html

 

 

 

Heart Of Esther? October 4, 2012

Recently, I read my “About Me” page and I laughed bitterly as I read the introduction of a mother who was brave and strong and certain. Even the name of my blog seems to mock me. Esther was strong, courageous, and she appeared at peace. She changed a nation.

Here I am feeling battered and bruised by grief. Uncertain and fearful. I feel as if I don’t matter any longer. I’m just surviving every day.  Days spent in tears, not in victory.

But then I think, maybe I can have a heart like Esther. I can bravely face each day without the child I should have in my arms. I have not shut myself off to love-instead I have embraced my children even more strongly than before. I gaze into their eyes even more deeply, longing to learn and memorize who they are.

Every day, I can find strength I don’t have and courage that isn’t there to lay aside myself and my pain to take care of those in my care and do it joyfully.  I can find more compassion and grace in everything. And maybe I can change a nation-everyday I pour into others-especially those given in my care.

So maybe having strength and courage isn’t always some big thing that everyone acknowledges. Maybe its in the small things that make up our lives. A heart that has a sense of destiny-a heart of Esther.

 

GRIEF HAS CHANGED ME October 3, 2012

I wish I could say the past year has been horrible but I’ve been able to just bounce right back. I’ve always been a fighter, I’ve always looked at the positives in life, I’ve always felt I could take anything and come out on top. I’ve always been resilient…

But not this time. I’ve felt as if this past year has been me struggling for air, trying to find who I am again (because I honestly don’t know anymore) and trying to move on past all the heartbreak and trauma but never seeming to really be able to. This year has been a year of loneliness-mostly my fault because I’ve pushed everyone away because I feel so all alone-that no one understands me. Almost all my friends who became pregnant after our loss decided in their own heads that it would be hard for me to know they were pregnant, so they just avoided me.  Don’t they understand, hearing someone is expecting doesn’t change that my baby is gone. I want my baby, not theirs! 

All I really want to do is close the blinds and snuggle deep into my bed covers.  But there is no rest for a weary, grieving mother of children.  There’s no escaping myself.  It’s hard to explain, maybe unless you’ve been there, but going through almost losing your life and losing your baby’s life, has left me with so much anxiety, at times I can hardly handle life.

I feel like I need help-but what can anyone do?  All of this is so very deep in my heart.  I keep waiting on Him to fix me.

Grief has changed me.

 

MOURNING

Those who are worn out and crushed by this mourning, let your hearts consider this:

this is the path that has existed from the time of creation and will exist forever.

Many have drunk from it and many will yet drink.

As was the first meal, so shall be the last.

May the master of comfort comfort you.

Blessed are those who comforts the mourners.

– Jewish Blessing of the Mourners

 

 
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