Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

GRIEF HAS CHANGED ME October 3, 2012

I wish I could say the past year has been horrible but I’ve been able to just bounce right back. I’ve always been a fighter, I’ve always looked at the positives in life, I’ve always felt I could take anything and come out on top. I’ve always been resilient…

But not this time. I’ve felt as if this past year has been me struggling for air, trying to find who I am again (because I honestly don’t know anymore) and trying to move on past all the heartbreak and trauma but never seeming to really be able to. This year has been a year of loneliness-mostly my fault because I’ve pushed everyone away because I feel so all alone-that no one understands me. Almost all my friends who became pregnant after our loss decided in their own heads that it would be hard for me to know they were pregnant, so they just avoided me.  Don’t they understand, hearing someone is expecting doesn’t change that my baby is gone. I want my baby, not theirs! 

All I really want to do is close the blinds and snuggle deep into my bed covers.  But there is no rest for a weary, grieving mother of children.  There’s no escaping myself.  It’s hard to explain, maybe unless you’ve been there, but going through almost losing your life and losing your baby’s life, has left me with so much anxiety, at times I can hardly handle life.

I feel like I need help-but what can anyone do?  All of this is so very deep in my heart.  I keep waiting on Him to fix me.

Grief has changed me.

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One Response to “GRIEF HAS CHANGED ME”

  1. los3pajaritos Says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Reading your post I can relate to the feelings of being alone in grief and knowing how it has changed you. Almost 26 months ago I was in a car accident with my fiance and was about 12 weeks pregnant, I lost them both. Losing people you love, well there are no words really. I’m working on moving forward and living my life and keeping their memories with me. I’m so sorry you lost your little angel. Although we are strangers I’m saying a prayer for you and your little one.


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