Yesterday was our sweet baby Andrew Zane’s birthday.
We lost him one year ago. When I woke up one year ago yesterday, I had no idea that my entire world would be turned upside down and forever changed. A year ago today, I was lying in the hospital receiving blood transfusions because I had lost so much blood and was so weak, I could not even raise my own arm or sit up in bed. The nurses were telling me they had never seen anyone when I crashed with such low blood pressure still alive. I remember lying in the sterile-smelling room, hearing newborn babies crying down the hall, a constant stream of tears running down my face, unable to even respond.
I didn’t just mourn yesterday. I’ve mourned heavily this entire month. I allowed myself to slow down and not fight the grief. All of it flowed freely-the anger, the sadness, the longing and aching. I’ve just allowed myself to weep openly. And the tears seemed as if they would never cease. But it was healing.
And when his birthday finally came, we made cupcakes-brown and blue sprinkles on top. And the children enjoyed having a little birthday party for their brother. My more sensitive one shed some tears with me, but mostly the whole thing was approached lightly.
And we remembered you, Andrew. We talked about how we used to talk about you and the silly little songs we made up for you when you were in my tummy. We looked at your pictures. Your perfect little hands clasped together by your face. How sweet you looked! We thought of how it would be if you were here. How you would be crawling and sitting and laughing. And we pictured you where you are now-never knowing pain or sadness. And we sent our love to you. Though my heart aches with sadness that is too deep to describe, I have hope in this-that someday I will hold you again, sweet baby.
All my love,