Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

CALVIN’S HATS October 7, 2012

When we lost our little boy, Calvin’s Hats quickly sent a baby blue knitted hat that fit his gestation age perfectly.  We cherish that hat more than we can say.  Here is the website:  http://www.calvinshats.com/default.html

 

 

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Not Forgotten September 29, 2012

There is a beautiful picture in the Psalms, of God collecting each of our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).
mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)

I know I’m not forgotten, Lord.

That you see my anguished tears in the quiet of the night.

You see my heart.

You know my anger.  My sadness.  My regret.  The emptiness I feel. 

You know how desperately I miss my little Andrew. 

How every day, I see him in my mind’s eye among us.  Or rather, the shadow of what should have been.

You record each tear (Psalm 56:8)

Bring healing, I pray.

Fill this void within me.

Help me never to forget what desperate pain feels like.  So that I may always have compassion and grace.

Remind me of my needs, so I can strive to help others in theirs.

 

 

Mommy’s Angel

Filed under: Baby,Family,Miscarriage,Pregnancy,Pregnancy Loss,Stillbirth,stillborn,Uncategorized — Heart of Esther @ 11:04 pm

 

DUE DATE March 18, 2012

Today is Andrew’s due date.

I knew this day would come and I knew it would be hard.  The last two weeks have been terribly difficult-knowing I should have been delivering him soon.  I’ve tried to carry on with day-to-day life while fighting back tears all day.  I think it’s the most difficult in the moments you realize it actually feels like someone is missing in your family, in your home.  The face you aren’t kissing, the baby you aren’t holding, the one you aren’t setting a place for at the table. ..  

They say the hard times show you what you’re made of.  They peel back layers to reveal your true colors.  

I can say this-I’m still standing firm in Christ.  Though I have been shaken, I have not been moved.  

I have not allowed the ugliness of bitterness and anger to grow in my heart.  

I have chosen to not be offended by others.  

I have embraced surrender.  

I have forgiven.  

My heart aches daily. But I don’t want to walk away from this pain not having learned and grown from it.  

I value my relationships more.  I enjoy the living of life more instead of looking for what I can accomplish.  Our family has grown closer and stronger.  I admire my husband more than I ever thought I could.  I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I am choosing to thank God for the ways He works in my life-even in the bad things-and even if I don’t always see the fruit yet.

It’s funny how hard times brings out others true colors as well.  The people who surround you who have been supportive and show they care.  Who have been there in any way they can.  The awkward ones are the ones the friendships have drifted apart.  And that’s all right.  

It’s like roses and fruit trees-when you prune them in the winter, they produce better and more fruit in the spring.  

And I am thankful for those God has brought into my life and made me who I am.  

I said to my good friend the other day-when you face opposition, where you stand becomes so much clearer.  Sometimes, you don’t even know where you stand until the opposition comes.  

So I surrender myself to the Potter’s Hands.  The refiner’s fire doesn’t burn so badly when I am willing to be more easily shaped and molded.  I humbly yield my rights to Him.

Andrew, my sweet baby, I miss you and love you.  I wish you were here with me.  

But I know the Perfect One holds you.  

And it will be all the more sweet when we meet again…

 

recovering February 1, 2012

Last week, we found out our little “peanut” (as we affectionately named it) had no heartbeat.  

Another devastating blow.  To be given fresh hope and healing only to have it so quickly stolen again.

I was still terribly sick everyday, even after our sweet baby had no heartbeat.  Talk about extra depressing.  To be throwing up all day everyday for no reason whatsoever.  Yesterday, I had surgery.  

Today, I am recovering.  

This has been such a horrible year.   Sigh.  Part of me feels like I can’t go on.  Another part of me wills me to look ahead to healing and to see what God has in store for us.  I will focus on good things.  Playing and enjoying my children.  Restoring my health.  Loving on my husband.  This past year has revolved so much around me, it will be refreshing to focus on my family and friends instead.  

Something good has to come out of this.  

It’s strange, on one hand I have never felt so alone.  It feels as if no one can possibly understand this pain.  The kind of pain that hurts so much, you physically can’t breathe.  Your heart literally skips beats.  To feel completely rejected by God.  To feel isolated from family.

And yet, I have felt more loved on this past year than ever before.  Close friends became closer.  My husband and I went through awful things and drew together instead of apart.  I saw the best in him and he took such good care of me.  

I treasure my relationships.  

Especially those who have been there for me to cry with, or just vent.  

And the ones who have loved on my children and watched them when I was recovering.  

The many, many meals that were so sacrificially brought.  

Those who came to be by my side when I needed them.  

Those who pulled me in as part of their family.  

The ones who just let me be…me.  In grief.  In pain.  Without judgement.

We haven’t even made it to our sweet Andrew’s due date, and we’ve already lost two babies.

I will recover.  Both physically and emotionally.  

But the grief will never end.  The tears will still flow.  My heart and arms will ache with emptiness.  And I will never be the same. 

 

Faith January 17, 2012

Every day, questions run through my mind…

Will this baby survive?  Is everything all right?  What if I have to endure losing a baby again??  Can I handle it?

I am quieting the fears and worries of my heart.  I am enjoying each day with this gift I’ve been given.  I am thankful for the hope this baby restored in us after losing Andrew, even though I still shed tears for him every day.  

And I will choose joy.  It’s there, peeking through the clouds.  Will I be too timid to allow it to warm my heart completely?  

I have not been given a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

(Psalm 71:20-21)

 

our pain January 15, 2012

We can give our tears to God

because He is our Comforter…

our disappointments because 

He is our Confidence…

our pains because

He is our Healer…

our stress because

He is our Peace…

our heaviness because

He is our joy!

Roy Lessin

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Mathew 11:28

 

 
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