Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

THIS AND THAT… December 1, 2011

Warning:  this blog is a little of this and a little of that.  I’m not sure how it flows, but this is me right now, so please bear with me!

So a friend suggested I start a project or something to help me to have something to focus on.  It was a very good idea!  It has helped me to stop wallowing in grief all day and night.  So I started a family closet.  Which led to re-organizing the clothes, toys, and garage.  You know how when you move something, it leads to another and another?  Crazy of me, I know.  I haven’t been able to stop the last few days.  I’m completely exhausted and making myself feel sick but I keep going.  I know if I stop, I’ll break down.  So I keep going.  Not such a “healthy” way of dealing with things-running from grief.  From pain.  I don’t want to deal with all the tears and feelings today.  So I am running from them.  

Until I cannot run anymore…

I have had so much anxiety. People are too much for me right now. Any stress seems too much to bear.  I don’t want to leave the house much. It seems overwhelming to me. I am really embarrassed by this for some reason. Maybe because I am normally such a people person-and fearless at that-and this feeling of being actually anxious around others is new to me. I am usually quite capable but I feel so very out of control of everything right now-especially my emotions. Is it because I’m on edge of what they will say?  Because I will feel too depressed or too guilty for not being too depressed?  Because I’m afraid of breaking down and crying in front of them?

I’m not sure…

I still touch my stomach, as if he’s still there.  It’s so hard to one day be filled with another life and be the home and the only thing Andrew knew-where his life began and ended and now to be so empty.  Which brings on other feelings of guilt and failure as a mother.  A mother’s instinct is to protect and I was powerless to help my baby.  

And so the emptiness of my womb echoes the emptiness of my heart…



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life all around me November 29, 2011

Another dark day, I think.

Sometimes its hard to hear of all the life going on around us right now. Our lives have stopped. Don’t you know we can’t go on as always, as if nothing every happened??

It’s these days that its hard for the day to start before it has begun.  The tasks of the day ahead seem insurmountable. I feel listless and tired. I’m sad and heavy-hearted. It’s as if my strength is gone.

And, yet, I know that checking out of life and not being thankful for what He has so graciously given me is what the enemy wants. Sometimes its as if He’s asking in His quiet way “will you still serve Me when everything goes wrong?”

And so on I go-sometimes in a numb kind of way, going through the motions or choking back the tears that too easily come.  

“There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief….and unspeakable love.”
Washington Irving

 

PREGNANCY LOSS November 27, 2011

Click Link:  Pregnancy Loss

 

THANKSGIVING November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away. 

I’m not sure how to face the next few days…thankful…

And empty.

I will choose to focus on what I DO have instead of what I’ve lost. I will freely admit, just the basics (laundry, dishes, meals, A SHOWER) are hard to manage right now.  I have little ones pulling my attention many different ways.  I am choosing to be thankful for them.  I know there are so many of you out there who have lost a baby and do not have the comfort of another child’s arms.  So for that, I have so much to be thankful for!  Some days, knowing they need me is the only thing that wills me out of bed.  Other days, I bury myself further under the covers and wish I could be left alone to cry!  It’s hard not to feel like a terrible mother because with all these emotions, my fuse is super short.  I pray God gives them the grace to pardon me and me the grace to respond well.

I hope I do not sound ungrateful because I truly am blessed.  We have so much to be thankful for.  It’s just so hard to focus on gratefulness when my heart is full of  such ache.  So this weekend, when I know I will be thinking of nothing but the emptiness, I pray I can somehow rise above it all and truly in my heart be THANKFUL for a loving husband, my beautiful children, the brief time we had with Andrew, and my own life.  I’m thankful for medical advances that have made something that would have taken a mother’s life two generations ago, easily sustained. I will be thankful for the food we are so blessed to have and the friends and family we are able to enjoy. 

I will be thankful for the blessing of beautiful friends who have been here for us in amazing ways-lovingly watching our children, bringing meals, being there to cry on and talk to, and truly hurting with us.  We are so thankful for the friends who sent amazing flowers, books, emails, and cards that comforted our hearts.  Friends who offered to clean, take our kids for a walk, or even bring a coffee!

This morning I heard BLESSED BE YOUR NAME by Matt Redman.  His song is based on Job so I looked up these verses:  Job 1:21 “…The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” and Job 2:10 “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” 

Job had lost everything and he chose to still praise and not curse God.  But I also realize that even in Job it was the enemy who killed, stole, and destroyed-not God.  Even though the Lord allowed it.  Why He allowed it is the part that is so very difficult… 

These are the times in our walk when we are tried and shaken to our very core and all we are left with is a simple choice.  It’s a choice because it’s not what we feel, it’s what we know.

Though there is pain in the offering, I will choose to say…

blessed be the Name of the Lord.

 

IMPLODING November 22, 2011

I am strong enough now to put on a face around others.  And I’m even brave enough to venture leaving the house now.  Sometimes I wonder if they think I am okay now.  It feels as if the inside of me is a big black hole.  As if all of me is continually being sucked into this dark place.  My very heart is imploding.  There is heaviness.  Sadness.  Guilt.  Sorrow.  Despair.  Aching and longing.  Emptiness.  I feel so sad inside that when I’m left alone for a moment and without a task I feel as if I could fade away.

Sometimes it brings perspective to hear of the pain others go through.  That other parents have carried far larger burdens than ours and somehow survived.  Today I heard of a friend whose three-year old has cancer.  They are enduring surgeries and chemotherapy.  I shutter to imagine what they must be going through.  Or the other stories we’ve heard of parents who have lost their children.  How do they find the strength to endure?

But it doesn’t lessen our pain. And that’s alright, too.  But, somehow, they made it through.  They found a way to get out of bed.  They found strength to forgive. So there is hope that I will too.

 

KISS HIM FOR ME November 21, 2011

Sometimes other people are frustrating.  They may say things that aren’t very thoughtful.  I know their intentions are good.  Sometimes people just don’t know what to say.  Someone said I didn’t have years with him and loose him.  Yet others have said I will come out of this stronger or that God has a plan. 

That doesn’t lessen my pain.  We DID loose a child-no matter how brief his life here on earth.  He was still our precious child.  We still miss him.  We still long to hold him and plant kisses on his sweet cheeks.  To gaze into his eyes and know him.

My son said to me today that Andrew is in a beautiful place and that God has a special place for him.  Then, Lord will you hold him close and kiss him for me?  😥  I miss my baby so!  My arms ache to hold him and nurse him.  All the plans and dreaming of him-GONE.  

And I’m helpless to change it.

 

THERE ARE NO ANSWERS November 15, 2011

Nothing makes sense to me right now.  I know things in my head but my heart does not comprehend.  Everything I believe has come in to question.  But my spirit knows the truth and though I lost my way (temporarily) I know my way back.  I could allow bitterness to take root, but I refuse to.  My heart is still His.

I saw this quote (based on Colossians 1:15) on Facebook today and I know I was meant to see it:  You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.  

Andrew was made BY God and FOR God.  Though I desperately want his life to be here with me, he’s not here.  But God still made him.  Somehow, there is comfort knowing that Andrew was made for Him.  I don’t know his purpose, but his brief life meant something.

Maybe this will help bring me some level of acceptance…

 

Another truth I know-the devil cannot take what I freely give.

So as much as it hurts and as much as it’s not what I want-Lord, I give baby Andrew to you. 

He is yours now, to keep and to love.  

 

 
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