Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

CALVIN’S HATS October 7, 2012

When we lost our little boy, Calvin’s Hats quickly sent a baby blue knitted hat that fit his gestation age perfectly.  We cherish that hat more than we can say.  Here is the website:  http://www.calvinshats.com/default.html

 

 

 

Heart Of Esther? October 4, 2012

Recently, I read my “About Me” page and I laughed bitterly as I read the introduction of a mother who was brave and strong and certain. Even the name of my blog seems to mock me. Esther was strong, courageous, and she appeared at peace. She changed a nation.

Here I am feeling battered and bruised by grief. Uncertain and fearful. I feel as if I don’t matter any longer. I’m just surviving every day.  Days spent in tears, not in victory.

But then I think, maybe I can have a heart like Esther. I can bravely face each day without the child I should have in my arms. I have not shut myself off to love-instead I have embraced my children even more strongly than before. I gaze into their eyes even more deeply, longing to learn and memorize who they are.

Every day, I can find strength I don’t have and courage that isn’t there to lay aside myself and my pain to take care of those in my care and do it joyfully.  I can find more compassion and grace in everything. And maybe I can change a nation-everyday I pour into others-especially those given in my care.

So maybe having strength and courage isn’t always some big thing that everyone acknowledges. Maybe its in the small things that make up our lives. A heart that has a sense of destiny-a heart of Esther.

 

GRIEF HAS CHANGED ME October 3, 2012

I wish I could say the past year has been horrible but I’ve been able to just bounce right back. I’ve always been a fighter, I’ve always looked at the positives in life, I’ve always felt I could take anything and come out on top. I’ve always been resilient…

But not this time. I’ve felt as if this past year has been me struggling for air, trying to find who I am again (because I honestly don’t know anymore) and trying to move on past all the heartbreak and trauma but never seeming to really be able to. This year has been a year of loneliness-mostly my fault because I’ve pushed everyone away because I feel so all alone-that no one understands me. Almost all my friends who became pregnant after our loss decided in their own heads that it would be hard for me to know they were pregnant, so they just avoided me.  Don’t they understand, hearing someone is expecting doesn’t change that my baby is gone. I want my baby, not theirs! 

All I really want to do is close the blinds and snuggle deep into my bed covers.  But there is no rest for a weary, grieving mother of children.  There’s no escaping myself.  It’s hard to explain, maybe unless you’ve been there, but going through almost losing your life and losing your baby’s life, has left me with so much anxiety, at times I can hardly handle life.

I feel like I need help-but what can anyone do?  All of this is so very deep in my heart.  I keep waiting on Him to fix me.

Grief has changed me.

 

MOURNING

Those who are worn out and crushed by this mourning, let your hearts consider this:

this is the path that has existed from the time of creation and will exist forever.

Many have drunk from it and many will yet drink.

As was the first meal, so shall be the last.

May the master of comfort comfort you.

Blessed are those who comforts the mourners.

– Jewish Blessing of the Mourners

 

Not Forgotten September 29, 2012

There is a beautiful picture in the Psalms, of God collecting each of our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).
mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)

I know I’m not forgotten, Lord.

That you see my anguished tears in the quiet of the night.

You see my heart.

You know my anger.  My sadness.  My regret.  The emptiness I feel. 

You know how desperately I miss my little Andrew. 

How every day, I see him in my mind’s eye among us.  Or rather, the shadow of what should have been.

You record each tear (Psalm 56:8)

Bring healing, I pray.

Fill this void within me.

Help me never to forget what desperate pain feels like.  So that I may always have compassion and grace.

Remind me of my needs, so I can strive to help others in theirs.

 

 

Mommy’s Angel

Filed under: Baby,Family,Miscarriage,Pregnancy,Pregnancy Loss,Stillbirth,stillborn,Uncategorized — Heart of Esther @ 11:04 pm

 

DUE DATE March 18, 2012

Today is Andrew’s due date.

I knew this day would come and I knew it would be hard.  The last two weeks have been terribly difficult-knowing I should have been delivering him soon.  I’ve tried to carry on with day-to-day life while fighting back tears all day.  I think it’s the most difficult in the moments you realize it actually feels like someone is missing in your family, in your home.  The face you aren’t kissing, the baby you aren’t holding, the one you aren’t setting a place for at the table. ..  

They say the hard times show you what you’re made of.  They peel back layers to reveal your true colors.  

I can say this-I’m still standing firm in Christ.  Though I have been shaken, I have not been moved.  

I have not allowed the ugliness of bitterness and anger to grow in my heart.  

I have chosen to not be offended by others.  

I have embraced surrender.  

I have forgiven.  

My heart aches daily. But I don’t want to walk away from this pain not having learned and grown from it.  

I value my relationships more.  I enjoy the living of life more instead of looking for what I can accomplish.  Our family has grown closer and stronger.  I admire my husband more than I ever thought I could.  I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I am choosing to thank God for the ways He works in my life-even in the bad things-and even if I don’t always see the fruit yet.

It’s funny how hard times brings out others true colors as well.  The people who surround you who have been supportive and show they care.  Who have been there in any way they can.  The awkward ones are the ones the friendships have drifted apart.  And that’s all right.  

It’s like roses and fruit trees-when you prune them in the winter, they produce better and more fruit in the spring.  

And I am thankful for those God has brought into my life and made me who I am.  

I said to my good friend the other day-when you face opposition, where you stand becomes so much clearer.  Sometimes, you don’t even know where you stand until the opposition comes.  

So I surrender myself to the Potter’s Hands.  The refiner’s fire doesn’t burn so badly when I am willing to be more easily shaped and molded.  I humbly yield my rights to Him.

Andrew, my sweet baby, I miss you and love you.  I wish you were here with me.  

But I know the Perfect One holds you.  

And it will be all the more sweet when we meet again…

 

 
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