Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

DUE DATE March 18, 2012

Today is Andrew’s due date.

I knew this day would come and I knew it would be hard.  The last two weeks have been terribly difficult-knowing I should have been delivering him soon.  I’ve tried to carry on with day-to-day life while fighting back tears all day.  I think it’s the most difficult in the moments you realize it actually feels like someone is missing in your family, in your home.  The face you aren’t kissing, the baby you aren’t holding, the one you aren’t setting a place for at the table. ..  

They say the hard times show you what you’re made of.  They peel back layers to reveal your true colors.  

I can say this-I’m still standing firm in Christ.  Though I have been shaken, I have not been moved.  

I have not allowed the ugliness of bitterness and anger to grow in my heart.  

I have chosen to not be offended by others.  

I have embraced surrender.  

I have forgiven.  

My heart aches daily. But I don’t want to walk away from this pain not having learned and grown from it.  

I value my relationships more.  I enjoy the living of life more instead of looking for what I can accomplish.  Our family has grown closer and stronger.  I admire my husband more than I ever thought I could.  I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I am choosing to thank God for the ways He works in my life-even in the bad things-and even if I don’t always see the fruit yet.

It’s funny how hard times brings out others true colors as well.  The people who surround you who have been supportive and show they care.  Who have been there in any way they can.  The awkward ones are the ones the friendships have drifted apart.  And that’s all right.  

It’s like roses and fruit trees-when you prune them in the winter, they produce better and more fruit in the spring.  

And I am thankful for those God has brought into my life and made me who I am.  

I said to my good friend the other day-when you face opposition, where you stand becomes so much clearer.  Sometimes, you don’t even know where you stand until the opposition comes.  

So I surrender myself to the Potter’s Hands.  The refiner’s fire doesn’t burn so badly when I am willing to be more easily shaped and molded.  I humbly yield my rights to Him.

Andrew, my sweet baby, I miss you and love you.  I wish you were here with me.  

But I know the Perfect One holds you.  

And it will be all the more sweet when we meet again…

 

Christmas Hope December 25, 2011

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

Psalm 71:20-21

So you may have hope this Christmas…

 

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and His Name shall be called

 

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6
 

Miscarriage, Stillbirth December 23, 2011

I do not like the name miscarriage for several reasons. I guess I don’t understand the label.  I think it puts the tragic death of a baby into a neat little word. It’s a word in our society that, frankly, if you’ve never experienced it, is often “just” a miscarriage. A medical term that downplays the existence of a BABY in the womb.  Women often return to work shortly after. Too often, no one even knows the baby’s life existed.  The grief  is thought to be not as real or as intense.  Many expect you to move on and get over it quickly or as if nothing happened.

“There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

I held my baby in my hands. I kissed his face.  He existed! I saw his beautifully made form.  His perfectly made tiny hands and feet.  His mouth and nose.  He wasn’t neatly and carefully washed away as if his life never made a ripple.  He was a baby.  From the moment of conception.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  

Psalms 139:13-14

 

 

fix our eyes December 10, 2011

I’ve been contemplating death and the hereafter lately.  To be honest, it’s not something I’ve given much thought to before-not really.  Heaven sometimes seems like this far off fairytale and not real.  But its been so impressed on my heart how real and present it is.  I know as a Christian it seems silly that I’ve never mulled over the topic before, but I haven’t.  I think the reason I’ve never given it much thought is because death is so mysterious and I never wanted to dwell too much on it.

I think the Lord has been showing me that there is so much more to LIFE than this one here on earth we see and we know.   This is our temporary, our beginning.  After this, well-the Bible says its eternal.  Our minds cannot even comprehend this.  Forever.  I’ve been understanding that this life here is just as the Bible says-here today and gone tomorrow.  So brief and yet there is so much more.  My heart is full of this vision of not just death but life.  It’s understanding that this life isn’t as real as the next.

Fix your eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.  (Acts 20) 

Then I read this book, “Heaven Is For Real” and it had me thinking even of our purpose in heaven (other than the obvious-our relationship with and worship of the Lord).

Heaven Is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back  -             By: Todd Burpo, Lynn Vincent

So I have been thinking lately-Andrew’s life began for a reason.  Who knows what purpose the Lord has for him in heaven?

It’s hurts so much to have lost him and all he meant to us.  So, I will choose instead to feel honored that God allowed me to have Andrew. And to even in a way that can only be understood through knowing Christ, that somehow, the pain will make me better.  The fire refines us if we allow it to.  It’s the struggle, the choice, to allow it to make me better that’s the hardest.  It’s easier to fall into my pain, anger, even bitterness.  But He wants so much more for me.  This is what it means to die to really live…


 

Today December 8, 2011

8 weeks ago today…

Heartsick and missing you, Andrew, my love!

 

life all around me November 29, 2011

Another dark day, I think.

Sometimes its hard to hear of all the life going on around us right now. Our lives have stopped. Don’t you know we can’t go on as always, as if nothing every happened??

It’s these days that its hard for the day to start before it has begun.  The tasks of the day ahead seem insurmountable. I feel listless and tired. I’m sad and heavy-hearted. It’s as if my strength is gone.

And, yet, I know that checking out of life and not being thankful for what He has so graciously given me is what the enemy wants. Sometimes its as if He’s asking in His quiet way “will you still serve Me when everything goes wrong?”

And so on I go-sometimes in a numb kind of way, going through the motions or choking back the tears that too easily come.  

“There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief….and unspeakable love.”
Washington Irving

 

PREGNANCY LOSS November 27, 2011

Click Link:  Pregnancy Loss

 

 
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