Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

GRIEF HAS CHANGED ME October 3, 2012

I wish I could say the past year has been horrible but I’ve been able to just bounce right back. I’ve always been a fighter, I’ve always looked at the positives in life, I’ve always felt I could take anything and come out on top. I’ve always been resilient…

But not this time. I’ve felt as if this past year has been me struggling for air, trying to find who I am again (because I honestly don’t know anymore) and trying to move on past all the heartbreak and trauma but never seeming to really be able to. This year has been a year of loneliness-mostly my fault because I’ve pushed everyone away because I feel so all alone-that no one understands me. Almost all my friends who became pregnant after our loss decided in their own heads that it would be hard for me to know they were pregnant, so they just avoided me.  Don’t they understand, hearing someone is expecting doesn’t change that my baby is gone. I want my baby, not theirs! 

All I really want to do is close the blinds and snuggle deep into my bed covers.  But there is no rest for a weary, grieving mother of children.  There’s no escaping myself.  It’s hard to explain, maybe unless you’ve been there, but going through almost losing your life and losing your baby’s life, has left me with so much anxiety, at times I can hardly handle life.

I feel like I need help-but what can anyone do?  All of this is so very deep in my heart.  I keep waiting on Him to fix me.

Grief has changed me.

 

KISS HIM FOR ME November 21, 2011

Sometimes other people are frustrating.  They may say things that aren’t very thoughtful.  I know their intentions are good.  Sometimes people just don’t know what to say.  Someone said I didn’t have years with him and loose him.  Yet others have said I will come out of this stronger or that God has a plan. 

That doesn’t lessen my pain.  We DID loose a child-no matter how brief his life here on earth.  He was still our precious child.  We still miss him.  We still long to hold him and plant kisses on his sweet cheeks.  To gaze into his eyes and know him.

My son said to me today that Andrew is in a beautiful place and that God has a special place for him.  Then, Lord will you hold him close and kiss him for me?  😥  I miss my baby so!  My arms ache to hold him and nurse him.  All the plans and dreaming of him-GONE.  

And I’m helpless to change it.

 

GLORY BABY November 17, 2011

I have no words to write at the moment…at least none you would like to read.  And certainly none that would be inspiring.  I feel as if I’m drowning in tears.  But, here are beautiful lyrics a friend sent to me today…

GLORY BABY WATERMARK  

Glory Baby lyrics
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we’re home with you
Until we’re home with you

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Before we do

Sweet little baby, it’s hard to understand it
‘Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know
All you’ll ever know

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you’ll just have heaven before we do
Before we do

 

THERE ARE NO ANSWERS November 15, 2011

Nothing makes sense to me right now.  I know things in my head but my heart does not comprehend.  Everything I believe has come in to question.  But my spirit knows the truth and though I lost my way (temporarily) I know my way back.  I could allow bitterness to take root, but I refuse to.  My heart is still His.

I saw this quote (based on Colossians 1:15) on Facebook today and I know I was meant to see it:  You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.  

Andrew was made BY God and FOR God.  Though I desperately want his life to be here with me, he’s not here.  But God still made him.  Somehow, there is comfort knowing that Andrew was made for Him.  I don’t know his purpose, but his brief life meant something.

Maybe this will help bring me some level of acceptance…

 

Another truth I know-the devil cannot take what I freely give.

So as much as it hurts and as much as it’s not what I want-Lord, I give baby Andrew to you. 

He is yours now, to keep and to love.  

 

NEXT BREATH November 12, 2011

When I think there are no more tears; I find them.

I’m in a pit of despair and I cannot find reason to crawl out.

I wish there was no air to breath.

I feel the heavy weight of grief upon on my chest-pressing down on me.  It’s nearly impossible for me to inhale.

I want sleep to come-to somehow escape the pain.

But sleep evades me.

My arms scream for a baby I cannot hold!

My womb is as empty as my heart.

I don’t know how to endure.

I don’t know how to take the next breath…

 

BROKEN November 11, 2011

(Click link to view):  Broken by Lifehouse

I have no words to write or speak right now but this song somehow helps me.  I’m stripped.  Undone.  Broken.

 

HELD November 9, 2011

Click to watch:  HELD BY NATALIE GRANT

Lyrics

Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

 

 

 
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