Mother’s Day May 13, 2012
Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mother’s who have carried babies in your womb but lost them! We will carry joy from receiving the gift of becoming a mother, but a deep ache of not having that child here with us now...
Crying Out April 25, 2012
I know my posts have been a bit few and far between these days…
It has been difficult for me to put so much into a few words. And there has been much that is so deep and so personal and raw, that I cannot share it, but for a couple of souls.
I was so grateful to hear from a reader-you know who you are! 🙂 You encouraged me so much and reading your post was like a glance into my own soul.
Yes, life has been a battleground lately. I’m at that place of true forgiveness…and yet, the evil one still brings those feelings up now and again. There are days I feel like I’m back at square one. There are days that I feel like more than a conqueror. Days when I am resting in His perfect peace and nothing will ripple the calm of my soul…
Lately, there have been many days of brokenness. Simply crying out to Him. There have been health issues, surgeries, and obstacles that keep getting in the way of my body healing from both losses. It feels like the storm hasn’t ended. I have felt like the disciples on the boat, in the middle of this terrific storm…wondering why Jesus is sleeping??? My anguish echoes David in Psalms “Attend to my cry; give ear to my prayer which is not from deceitful lips.”
And then I realize He wants me in that place. To understand, for His Glory, that I am desperate and helpless without Him. There are so many walls, so many layers. He is renewing me. It is a time of amazing growth. Just as I have come up for air and feel like I’ve learned and been renewed (new wine cannot be poured into old wine skins), He seems to find it perfect to teach me more-and back under I go. A time for peeling away the old-like an onion whose outer layers need pulled away. I have been growing and learning and deepening my relationship with Him.
It’s been a heart-wrenching time and yet, this time has held such sweetness in it as well…
I know why I am at this place. I am to be in a place where I know it is only God who delivers. I know the Lord hears my cry “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.” (Psalm 50:15)
Throughout the Word, I see time after time that there was a period when individuals or nations cried out in desperation. Psalms is full of David’s pleas-asking the Lord if He will not turn His back on him, if He will hear his cry.
And I feel peace because I see that time and again, the Lord did respond. He did deliver. He did heal. He answered. He restored.
“In my distress, I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple and my cry came before Him, even to His ears.” (Psalm 18:6)
“The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry.” Psalm 34:15
“I cried to the Lord with my voice and He heard me from His holy hill…O Lord my God, I cried out to You and You healed me.” Psalms 3:4, 30:2
So here I will remain-crying out to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or think.
“I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry.”
DUE DATE March 18, 2012
Today is Andrew’s due date.
I knew this day would come and I knew it would be hard. The last two weeks have been terribly difficult-knowing I should have been delivering him soon. I’ve tried to carry on with day-to-day life while fighting back tears all day. I think it’s the most difficult in the moments you realize it actually feels like someone is missing in your family, in your home. The face you aren’t kissing, the baby you aren’t holding, the one you aren’t setting a place for at the table. ..
They say the hard times show you what you’re made of. They peel back layers to reveal your true colors.
I can say this-I’m still standing firm in Christ. Though I have been shaken, I have not been moved.
I have not allowed the ugliness of bitterness and anger to grow in my heart.
I have chosen to not be offended by others.
I have embraced surrender.
I have forgiven.
My heart aches daily. But I don’t want to walk away from this pain not having learned and grown from it.
I value my relationships more. I enjoy the living of life more instead of looking for what I can accomplish. Our family has grown closer and stronger. I admire my husband more than I ever thought I could. I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life. I am choosing to thank God for the ways He works in my life-even in the bad things-and even if I don’t always see the fruit yet.
It’s funny how hard times brings out others true colors as well. The people who surround you who have been supportive and show they care. Who have been there in any way they can. The awkward ones are the ones the friendships have drifted apart. And that’s all right.
It’s like roses and fruit trees-when you prune them in the winter, they produce better and more fruit in the spring.
And I am thankful for those God has brought into my life and made me who I am.
I said to my good friend the other day-when you face opposition, where you stand becomes so much clearer. Sometimes, you don’t even know where you stand until the opposition comes.
So I surrender myself to the Potter’s Hands. The refiner’s fire doesn’t burn so badly when I am willing to be more easily shaped and molded. I humbly yield my rights to Him.
Andrew, my sweet baby, I miss you and love you. I wish you were here with me.
But I know the Perfect One holds you.
And it will be all the more sweet when we meet again…
recovering February 1, 2012
Last week, we found out our little “peanut” (as we affectionately named it) had no heartbeat.
Another devastating blow. To be given fresh hope and healing only to have it so quickly stolen again.
I was still terribly sick everyday, even after our sweet baby had no heartbeat. Talk about extra depressing. To be throwing up all day everyday for no reason whatsoever. Yesterday, I had surgery.
Today, I am recovering.
This has been such a horrible year. Sigh. Part of me feels like I can’t go on. Another part of me wills me to look ahead to healing and to see what God has in store for us. I will focus on good things. Playing and enjoying my children. Restoring my health. Loving on my husband. This past year has revolved so much around me, it will be refreshing to focus on my family and friends instead.
Something good has to come out of this.
It’s strange, on one hand I have never felt so alone. It feels as if no one can possibly understand this pain. The kind of pain that hurts so much, you physically can’t breathe. Your heart literally skips beats. To feel completely rejected by God. To feel isolated from family.
And yet, I have felt more loved on this past year than ever before. Close friends became closer. My husband and I went through awful things and drew together instead of apart. I saw the best in him and he took such good care of me.
I treasure my relationships.
Especially those who have been there for me to cry with, or just vent.
And the ones who have loved on my children and watched them when I was recovering.
The many, many meals that were so sacrificially brought.
Those who came to be by my side when I needed them.
Those who pulled me in as part of their family.
The ones who just let me be…me. In grief. In pain. Without judgement.
We haven’t even made it to our sweet Andrew’s due date, and we’ve already lost two babies.
I will recover. Both physically and emotionally.
But the grief will never end. The tears will still flow. My heart and arms will ache with emptiness. And I will never be the same.
Faith January 17, 2012
Every day, questions run through my mind…
Will this baby survive? Is everything all right? What if I have to endure losing a baby again?? Can I handle it?
I am quieting the fears and worries of my heart. I am enjoying each day with this gift I’ve been given. I am thankful for the hope this baby restored in us after losing Andrew, even though I still shed tears for him every day.
And I will choose joy. It’s there, peeking through the clouds. Will I be too timid to allow it to warm my heart completely?
I have not been given a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind.
“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”