Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

recovering February 1, 2012

Last week, we found out our little “peanut” (as we affectionately named it) had no heartbeat.  

Another devastating blow.  To be given fresh hope and healing only to have it so quickly stolen again.

I was still terribly sick everyday, even after our sweet baby had no heartbeat.  Talk about extra depressing.  To be throwing up all day everyday for no reason whatsoever.  Yesterday, I had surgery.  

Today, I am recovering.  

This has been such a horrible year.   Sigh.  Part of me feels like I can’t go on.  Another part of me wills me to look ahead to healing and to see what God has in store for us.  I will focus on good things.  Playing and enjoying my children.  Restoring my health.  Loving on my husband.  This past year has revolved so much around me, it will be refreshing to focus on my family and friends instead.  

Something good has to come out of this.  

It’s strange, on one hand I have never felt so alone.  It feels as if no one can possibly understand this pain.  The kind of pain that hurts so much, you physically can’t breathe.  Your heart literally skips beats.  To feel completely rejected by God.  To feel isolated from family.

And yet, I have felt more loved on this past year than ever before.  Close friends became closer.  My husband and I went through awful things and drew together instead of apart.  I saw the best in him and he took such good care of me.  

I treasure my relationships.  

Especially those who have been there for me to cry with, or just vent.  

And the ones who have loved on my children and watched them when I was recovering.  

The many, many meals that were so sacrificially brought.  

Those who came to be by my side when I needed them.  

Those who pulled me in as part of their family.  

The ones who just let me be…me.  In grief.  In pain.  Without judgement.

We haven’t even made it to our sweet Andrew’s due date, and we’ve already lost two babies.

I will recover.  Both physically and emotionally.  

But the grief will never end.  The tears will still flow.  My heart and arms will ache with emptiness.  And I will never be the same. 

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THIS AND THAT… December 1, 2011

Warning:  this blog is a little of this and a little of that.  I’m not sure how it flows, but this is me right now, so please bear with me!

So a friend suggested I start a project or something to help me to have something to focus on.  It was a very good idea!  It has helped me to stop wallowing in grief all day and night.  So I started a family closet.  Which led to re-organizing the clothes, toys, and garage.  You know how when you move something, it leads to another and another?  Crazy of me, I know.  I haven’t been able to stop the last few days.  I’m completely exhausted and making myself feel sick but I keep going.  I know if I stop, I’ll break down.  So I keep going.  Not such a “healthy” way of dealing with things-running from grief.  From pain.  I don’t want to deal with all the tears and feelings today.  So I am running from them.  

Until I cannot run anymore…

I have had so much anxiety. People are too much for me right now. Any stress seems too much to bear.  I don’t want to leave the house much. It seems overwhelming to me. I am really embarrassed by this for some reason. Maybe because I am normally such a people person-and fearless at that-and this feeling of being actually anxious around others is new to me. I am usually quite capable but I feel so very out of control of everything right now-especially my emotions. Is it because I’m on edge of what they will say?  Because I will feel too depressed or too guilty for not being too depressed?  Because I’m afraid of breaking down and crying in front of them?

I’m not sure…

I still touch my stomach, as if he’s still there.  It’s so hard to one day be filled with another life and be the home and the only thing Andrew knew-where his life began and ended and now to be so empty.  Which brings on other feelings of guilt and failure as a mother.  A mother’s instinct is to protect and I was powerless to help my baby.  

And so the emptiness of my womb echoes the emptiness of my heart…



 

PANIC November 16, 2011

Lately, I’ve been having panic attacks.  If you’ve ever had one, you know they are extremely scary!  They said it was because of the trauma of losing our baby and the trauma of hemorrhaging (I brushed death).    My heart will begin pounding and racing and nothing I do slows it down.  I feel I cannot breathe and I begin to pass out.  That’s what happened at the hospital shortly after I gave birth to Andrew and it scares me every time.  Fortunately, there are ways to handle these attacks without medicine.

First of all, realize you may have “triggers”.  One of the triggers for me was the fear of death.  Not so much the actual dying maybe but when I began to think about fading away at the hospital and leaving my family behind and my babies with no mother, that’s a trigger for me.  Another thing you can do is to focus on good things and that everything is OK and not the horrible fear that you cannot breathe at the moment.  Sounds hard, right?  It IS!  But I prefer to not use a pill to help me deal with this.  It’s part of the grieving process for me and I guess I need to, well, process through it.  For me, having my husband nearby and telling him that’s what I’m experiencing so he could support me through it helped.  He would hold me and tell me I would be alright.  Just his reassurance and knowing I am not facing this alone has helped me to calm down.  Something else that helps me to get through these without medication is, for whatever reason, they generally last only 5-10 minutes.  It helps me to know it will be over soon.  And, lastly, I am praying for peace.  I know how easy it is right now to shut Him out, but He is the only true peace.  I have to resist bitterness and learn to accept what happened.  I have to focus on being in His control, taking what He has given me in that moment to get through. He tells us to forget about yesterday and not worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own.  So here I am, straining to REST.

 

NEXT BREATH November 12, 2011

When I think there are no more tears; I find them.

I’m in a pit of despair and I cannot find reason to crawl out.

I wish there was no air to breath.

I feel the heavy weight of grief upon on my chest-pressing down on me.  It’s nearly impossible for me to inhale.

I want sleep to come-to somehow escape the pain.

But sleep evades me.

My arms scream for a baby I cannot hold!

My womb is as empty as my heart.

I don’t know how to endure.

I don’t know how to take the next breath…

 

 
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