Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

Christmas Hope December 25, 2011

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

Psalm 71:20-21

So you may have hope this Christmas…

 

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and His Name shall be called

 

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6
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fix our eyes December 10, 2011

I’ve been contemplating death and the hereafter lately.  To be honest, it’s not something I’ve given much thought to before-not really.  Heaven sometimes seems like this far off fairytale and not real.  But its been so impressed on my heart how real and present it is.  I know as a Christian it seems silly that I’ve never mulled over the topic before, but I haven’t.  I think the reason I’ve never given it much thought is because death is so mysterious and I never wanted to dwell too much on it.

I think the Lord has been showing me that there is so much more to LIFE than this one here on earth we see and we know.   This is our temporary, our beginning.  After this, well-the Bible says its eternal.  Our minds cannot even comprehend this.  Forever.  I’ve been understanding that this life here is just as the Bible says-here today and gone tomorrow.  So brief and yet there is so much more.  My heart is full of this vision of not just death but life.  It’s understanding that this life isn’t as real as the next.

Fix your eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.  (Acts 20) 

Then I read this book, “Heaven Is For Real” and it had me thinking even of our purpose in heaven (other than the obvious-our relationship with and worship of the Lord).

Heaven Is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back  -             By: Todd Burpo, Lynn Vincent

So I have been thinking lately-Andrew’s life began for a reason.  Who knows what purpose the Lord has for him in heaven?

It’s hurts so much to have lost him and all he meant to us.  So, I will choose instead to feel honored that God allowed me to have Andrew. And to even in a way that can only be understood through knowing Christ, that somehow, the pain will make me better.  The fire refines us if we allow it to.  It’s the struggle, the choice, to allow it to make me better that’s the hardest.  It’s easier to fall into my pain, anger, even bitterness.  But He wants so much more for me.  This is what it means to die to really live…


 

ONLY IN MY HEART November 18, 2011

How precious all the words of love and comfort we’ve received-emails, cards, flowers-from those who were touched by our grief.  As the flowers are dying off, my heart wrenches for fear that Andrew’s memory will also die off…

It never will in my heart, but others will move on as though he never was.  People who look at me will not see the hidden tears or the piece of my heart that’s missing since he’s gone.  I used to carry him with me and dreamed of when I would hold him in my arms.  

Now he only remains in my heart.

I will carry him with me always, but some will never understand.  We’ve heard things like “it was meant to be” or “its better than having a child for a long time than loosing them”.  They don’t know how deep our pain and grief remain.

I know someday I will be on the other side of this.  There will always be pain but I’m told not so raw.  But my heart will forever have a piece missing.  Andrew, my love, I miss you SO much!

 

WHY? November 13, 2011

I must warn you this entry from my journal is pretty raw, but it is real.  There are always the “right” things to say, but this is my heart and I’ll share it with you…

I try to fight the anger.  The outrageous fury that screams within me!  Why did you let this happen, God? WHY?

I want to hate God, but I cannot.  He is inexplicably woven into the very fibers of my being.  He is so apart of me, I have no life without him.  

So though with grief I try to reject Him, my soul cries out for Him alone.  He alone can restore peace and hope.  He is my comforter and my strength.  Even when comfort and strength seem unattainable.  Though questions, fear, even doubt pull me away-my heart is compelled to return to the One who loves me.  Within Him is my only rest.

So, instead, I hate myself.  What did I do wrong???  Why is this happening to me??  Why are you silent, Lord?  Where are my answers?  If you love me…why??

 

HE MEETS ME WHERE I AM November 2, 2011

To my harsh heart, He is soft and gentle.  He is my “enough” in my inadequacy.  His forgiveness pours into my bitterness and disappointment.  My deformities and ugliness are traded for loveliness and beauty.  He brings instant calm to the storm of anger that rages inside me.  When fear, doubt and worry swell within me, the soft wind of His Peace rushes over my soul and I know I can rest in trust.  When the enemy has stolen my joy, His laughter and joy bubble over.    He is the anchor to my double mindedness and restlessness.  It is ME who gets in the way of His nature, of the sweet flow of His Love. 

But He never punishes me for being the opposite of Him.  Instead, He constantly showers me in His grace by meeting me where I am.  He gently takes my head and turns it.  He blows His sweet Spirit on me and causes me to breathe in His goodness; His love washes over me and cleanses me from every worry, every habit, and every part of my old, dead nature and restores me.  He somehow shows me in that instant that my struggle to make myself “better” is no longer an issue when His Spirit is rising up within me. 

Often I care more about myself than those around me.  I have let bitterness and unforgiveness stifle the outpouring of His grace and mercy.  I have allowed anger to steal the soft words.  Pride has come between me and many relationships.  I stumble and fall and my pride drags me to the ground, but He will always meet me where I am.  His Love continues within ME-every moment that I allow-to pick me up where I am and bring me under His wing.

And then He makes me soar.

 

 
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