Heart of Esther

"And who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?" –Esther 4:14

green with envy… December 3, 2011

Last night I dreamed of a memorial service for our son and my husband and I left early and couldn’t speak.  There were no words.  We did not have a service.  At least not a public one.  My health was too bad (I couldn’t get out of bed for a week and a half) and to be honest, we just wanted to grieve privately.  We were just so raw and vulnerable and hurting.  I couldn’t even talk really for days.  There were no words to echo what I felt.  The words attempting to describe my heart came later.  And still they do not come close to revealing the depths of my sufferings.  I thought we might regret not having a service, but we don’t.  I think next year, on his birthday, I may be able to handle that. 

Facebook is a painful place lately…

I can count about five of my friends off-hand that were all due a few weeks after me and lately FB has been filled with ultrasound pictures and gender announcements.  It’s not that I am not happy for them, it’s just so hard to handle right now when we lost our little boy.  It feels so unfair.  It’s turning me into a jealous green monster!  It’s truly hard to describe the pain in my heart.  I know in my head it’s not right to feel this or even be jealous.  I would not want them to suffer what I went through and deep within me I am happy for their blessings.  It’s just the contrast is bringing out my deep loss…

So FB will not be seeing me for a long while….

As hard as this has been, I cannot imagine how I will feel when our baby’s due date passes and everyone else’s babies are being born…

I suppose that’s another battle for another day.


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