Happy Birthday, Baby! October 15, 2012

Yesterday was our sweet baby Andrew Zane’s birthday. 

We lost him one year ago. When I woke up one year ago yesterday, I had no idea that my entire world would be turned upside down and forever changed.  A year ago today, I was lying in the hospital receiving blood transfusions because I had lost so much blood and was so weak, I could not even raise my own arm or sit up in bed.  The nurses were telling me they had never seen anyone when I crashed with such low blood pressure still alive.  I remember lying in the sterile-smelling room, hearing newborn babies crying down the hall, a constant stream of tears running down my face, unable to even respond.   

I didn’t just mourn yesterday.  I’ve mourned heavily this entire month.  I allowed myself to slow down and not fight the grief.  All of it flowed freely-the anger, the sadness, the longing and aching.  I’ve just allowed myself to weep openly.  And the tears seemed as if they would never cease.  But it was healing. 

And when his birthday finally came, we made cupcakes-brown and blue sprinkles on top.  And the children enjoyed having a little birthday party for their brother.  My more sensitive one shed some tears with me, but mostly the whole thing was approached lightly. 

 

And we remembered you, Andrew.  We talked about how we used to talk about you and the silly little songs we made up for you when you were in my tummy.  We looked at your pictures.  Your perfect little hands clasped together by your face.  How sweet you looked!  We thought of how it would be if you were here.  How you would be crawling and sitting and laughing.  And we pictured you where you are now-never knowing pain or sadness.  And we sent our love to you.  Though my heart aches with sadness that is too deep to describe, I have hope in this-that someday I will hold you again, sweet baby. 

All my love,

Mommy

CALVIN’S HATS October 7, 2012

When we lost our little boy, Calvin’s Hats quickly sent a baby blue knitted hat that fit his gestation age perfectly.  We cherish that hat more than we can say.  Here is the website:  http://www.calvinshats.com/default.html

 

 

GRIEF HAS CHANGED ME October 3, 2012

I wish I could say the past year has been horrible but I’ve been able to just bounce right back. I’ve always been a fighter, I’ve always looked at the positives in life, I’ve always felt I could take anything and come out on top. I’ve always been resilient…

But not this time. I’ve felt as if this past year has been me struggling for air, trying to find who I am again (because I honestly don’t know anymore) and trying to move on past all the heartbreak and trauma but never seeming to really be able to. This year has been a year of loneliness-mostly my fault because I’ve pushed everyone away because I feel so all alone-that no one understands me. Almost all my friends who became pregnant after our loss decided in their own heads that it would be hard for me to know they were pregnant, so they just avoided me.  Don’t they understand, hearing someone is expecting doesn’t change that my baby is gone. I want my baby, not theirs! 

All I really want to do is close the blinds and snuggle deep into my bed covers.  But there is no rest for a weary, grieving mother of children.  There’s no escaping myself.  It’s hard to explain, maybe unless you’ve been there, but going through almost losing your life and losing your baby’s life, has left me with so much anxiety, at times I can hardly handle life.

I feel like I need help-but what can anyone do?  All of this is so very deep in my heart.  I keep waiting on Him to fix me.

Grief has changed me.

Not Forgotten September 29, 2012

There is a beautiful picture in the Psalms, of God collecting each of our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).
mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15)

I know I’m not forgotten, Lord.

That you see my anguished tears in the quiet of the night.

You see my heart.

You know my anger.  My sadness.  My regret.  The emptiness I feel. 

You know how desperately I miss my little Andrew. 

How every day, I see him in my mind’s eye among us.  Or rather, the shadow of what should have been.

You record each tear (Psalm 56:8)

Bring healing, I pray.

Fill this void within me.

Help me never to forget what desperate pain feels like.  So that I may always have compassion and grace.

Remind me of my needs, so I can strive to help others in theirs.

 

Mommy’s Angel

good news! January 7, 2012

We have a heartbeat!!   We saw our little peanut on the ultrasound.  SO excited (and relieved)! 

I go in for more testing tomorrow to determine if I need to go on the hormone progesterone.  I hear it’s quite common although I’ve never needed that before.

To be honest, I have way too many emotions going on right now.  (Are they sure I need more hormone???)  😉

I feel at peace, though.  And I will do whatever it takes to help the baby.